The Raft

What is it about gossip?
What is it that pulls me into it's dark and guilt-ridden little darkness and shows me all the juicy, enticing details that are non of my business never mind mine to judge?
What is it about a gathering of 2 or more people that promotes the discussion of other people?
It often starts completely harmlessly. But I so often find myself in a position of guilt and self-loathing.
I often find myself dialing up someone I had a conversation with the day before to "clarify" or "caveat" or just outright explain.

I don't want to judge people.
I don't want to talk about people who aren't there.

But where do you draw the line? Are we supposed to just pretend stuff doesn't happen? What defines "discussion" as opposed to "gossip"?
It the answer is "intention" then I can tell you the bit about the path to hell and the way they pave it...

Examples:

I am at the mall with my kids. I run into another mom that I know, with her kids. I leave there knowing about a different mom and her prescription pill habit and subsequent alienation. Yikes!

I am at a neighbor's house. I find myself with a small circle of neighbors talking. I learn about a different neighbor's kid's jail sentence and a different one's kid's personality disorders.

In both of those situations, I didn't know enough to begin with to have been the one to ask about the subjects I learned about. But when they were telling me, I didn't say "oh, it's not nice to talk about people who aren't here to join the conversation."
I said "wow, that's really something... then what?!"

And how do you handle the manipulative gossip?
I find myself getting tricked into saying things or giving away things with my facial or bodily expressions because I am a very bad liar. I can't lie and often try the "I really can't say" route but I am an open-freaking-book, in case you hadn't noticed!

Or sometimes I will say something and only after the conversation will I think "oh shit, was that a secret? at best, it wasn't my story to share. shit." And that is usually followed by a phone call to whomever I feel like I just betrayed or whatever - explaining, step by step, how the conversation went and how the intention was and the mood of the talk etc etc etc...

My personality is such that people are drawn to tell me things.
And I love to listen.
I love hearing all about it, love the juicy, personal details. And I don't tell other people their secrets. Usually. I try really hard not to tell anyone anything. And I have gotten much better about it as I have gotten older.
But people keep telling me.

And I love talking about people.
I love sharing thoughts and opinions and theories about people I care about with people I care about. Or I like to get other people's objective viewpoints even if they may not know the person. For example, I may discuss my family with some close friends that don't know them, or some close friends with my family.

Is that gossip?
Or is that me, discussing my life and the various people that make it up?

I find that I can usually tell if it was "gossip" or not by the emotional hangover or lack-there-of. If I feel uncomfortable afterward, I know I was out of line.
And, like I said, I have gotten better at not discussing but mostly listening, especially in situations like the 2 examples I used. I nod a lot, I take it in.
Then I tell Jay, because I am bursting to tell someone but I know it's not my story.