Friends.
It's such a simple word but it has such meaning.
If you like someone, see them around a lot... maybe your kids play together... you don't know each other well but there is a likeness and a happiness when you're together... are you "friends"?
People don't say "acquaintance" so much anymore.
But to call someone a "friend" is a bit of a commitment, isn't it?
Obviously, I can only speak for myself but I have not had very many real, true "friends" in my life.
I have had a few that were and still are my friends - but calling them that almost seems silly. Truly, they are my family.
But now you cross over into the other side of friendship where, while some of my friendships are 20+ years old, they are still just "friends" where I have other friendships that are less than a year old and they somehow hold that same title?
And what defines a friend anyway? Regardless of length of time together, how do you determine who and what make up a real friend for you?
I have my sisters. They are my friends. They love me and trust me and listen to me and allow me to be myself without judgment. And I do the same for them.
But not everyone has that relationship with their sister. I am fortunate to have that two-fold.
I have my BFF, Michele and that friendship has sustained and grown infinitely in the 20+ years we have held on. And with that friendship I have the added bonus of calling her sisters my best friends, as well as her husband.
Let's get back to definition.
My friend Nicole said to me once, "I have different friends that suit different moods of mine. Today I was in the mood for Liz."
I thought that was brilliant. We had a fabulous day. But I haven't seen her since then - and it was warm! Has she not been int he mood for me or me for her? We talk on FB and email and I do truly like and enjoy her. But we are very, very different so maybe that's just it - maybe we're "Summer Friends". We love the beach and doing stuff outside with our kids so maybe I'll see her soon.
I am a stay-at-home mom in a rural community. In my MOMS Club I have become friendly with a lot of different moms in town.
There are a few I really don't like as I am sure there are a few that really don't like me.
There are a few that I had an instant connection with only to find out that I was reading them all wrong and I either have nothing in common or found out they were completely insane.
There are a few that I really like, they really like me but our kids are different ages so our social contact is limited. I could easily call those people "acquaintances" but that is such a cold word. And I really do enjoy these women when we see each other at Book Club or what have you... so, I call them friends. But then I find myself caveating with "well, I don't really know her, I just really like her."
There are many that I see a lot of and I enjoy being with. Our kids play well together and we always have something to talk about. Are they my friends? Could I call them if I needed them? Would I ask hem to babysit one kid if I had to take the other kid somewhere and couldn't bring both?
Probably not.
So - that leaves me with the very small circle of women I have found my comfort zone with.
My "Mom Friends". Why do I have to title them so specifically?
Because I wouldn't know them without the MOMS Club? Maybe.
Because our main similarity is that we grew babies and now care for them? Maybe.
Because I am wary of calling them "friend" and lumping them in with Michele and Rachel? Maybe.
I really have no idea. They really are my friends. I really could call them up and drop my kids off at their house or borrow money for the movie or a cup of milk for one more bottle before I head to the grocery store.
And they could ask/do the same with me.
Same friend, Nicole, once called me "an M&M. you're hard on the outside, warm and sweet on the inside."
Paul "New Guy" once told a new employee at work that I was "tough on the outside, and a big moosh once you get to know" me.
I am not sure that's true. I also recall my high school music teacher telling me that my "life is an open book".
I think that was bit more right on.
I call it like I see it. Sometimes my first impression is right on and I am so proud of myself. Other times I think I can totally read someone and I am way off. Sometimes I fall in love with people right away, other times it takes me a while to warm up. Some people get more of me than they might like, other times I stay guarded. The only constant is my inconsistency.
So - this whole blog was to help me sort out what makes a "friend" but really, I have just been pondering how much I like my friends.
Sitting on the beach of a dirty little pond yesterday made me think "wow, I love this." I was with my 2 favorite "Mom Friends", in the sunshine listening to and watching my kids play with theirs while we caught up on everything from my trip to Deb's new Class to Joanne's skin care regime.
It was peaceful. And comfortable. And we were all ourselves - take us or leave us.
Why Did I Ever Stop Writing On This Blog?
2 years ago
6 comments:
I hate throwing around the word "Friend". Probably because I'm a bad friend- I am the worst at calling people back, staying in touch...if they're not next to me it's hard for me to reach out to them on a constant basis. I need to work on that.
When it comes down to true friends-I could name them all two hands- maybe one if I didn't include any family.
I always thought how you and Jay have SOOO many friends- just look at your wedding party!! HUGE!
On my side, my wedding party included my 2 sisters & 1 cousin. My future sister-in-law, my 2 best friends as mentioned, Michele and Rachel, and my husband's best friend's wife - we were in their wedding the month before.
I am the sort of person, as is Jay, that has a lot of room in my heart and my life for a lot of people. I love people. I love getting to know them, getting to be a part of their lives, helping them, and generally feeling like I have made a difference for someone - if and when I can. So, because I am always open to it, a lot of people come through my life. And I love that. I really believe that God places people in our lives because we, or they, need them at that time, regardless of when or for how long they stay.
And sometimes, when I reflect on a past relationship, friendship or acquaintance, I can see where they were there because I needed them and I can see and embrace what good they brought into my life.
Maybe they taught me something about myself, maybe they taught me how to cross-stitch - whatever it might be.
Anyway - that's a long winded response to a great and simple response to a long blog. Sorry about that.
Thanks, Gina. :)
I really, REALLY, R.E.A.L.L.Y., like this post, Liz. I have had a few, really true women friends in my life. My very, very best friend ever was my Mom. I talked to her once a day by phone and several times a day via e-mail, Facebook, and my blog. We told each other dirty jokes, snarked about other women, people watched and bitched if we needed to. The young me misses my Mom. The now me misses my best friend.
My other two very GREAT friends are the kind of people I know that I could ask to watch my kids at the very last minute, or take my family in if a tornado hit the house for however long we needed. If we pissed eachother off, we always got past it--our longevity and our honesty pulling us thru.
I long for other, more casual friends, and I know that will come as my children get a little older and I meet other women thru their school. But--truth be told, I have always felt more comfortable in a group of men than in a group of women. No BS, no politics, no "whose husband does the least around the house conversations."
Okay, so rambling, I know, but your post really made me think. Oh, and BTW, you can drop those cuties off at my house any day--and I'll even throw in a cup of milk, to boot!
I grew up NOT having a lot of friends. I was shy, somewhat sheltered and forever embarrassed about my home life to want to bring friends into such an environment. And to be honest the ones that were my TRUE friends back then, I am actually still friends with to this day.
NOW I can say I have A LOT of friends. Real friends. I know I am incredibly lucky for sure. And however these people came to be in my life, I can say that I "worked it". I worked hard to make friends, and learned how to keep them, by being a good friend. People that just kind of fall into your life with little or no effort, can't be classified as a friend. It is something that has to develop. And as it develops you begin to see how this person "fits" into your life. Why they "work" with you. You come to know and feel how you bring the best out in each other. Why you click. That's what I think a friend is.
Funny you posted this because I am reading a book that my MIL sent me. One paragraph really stuck out for me.
"Maintaining relationships with others is just as important as eating or drinking. If we don't have people in our lives, we shrivel up and die. But be careful not to seek relationships simply for relationship's sake - the right relationships make all the difference, and it takes time and effort to cultivate those. Right relationships bring positive people together, friends who are willing to be truthful even when it's difficult, who share our values and help us to be better people. It needs to be reciprocal, too - we should offer the same to them. Wrong relationships do more harm than good. Needy people take advantage of those who need to be needed; they require so much care that they sap the other person's energy."
So I'll leave you with this. I like you Liz. Are we friends? No. You are my sister's friend. We know nothing about each other other than what we read and write. But is that a bad thing? I don't think so. It certainly doesn't mean that I don't like you, don't respect you, don't absolutely love when you make people step back and think......
You are a great person.
Very thought-provoking post, Liz.
I also don't use the term friend lightly. I think there's a big difference between being friendly with someone and actually being their friend. To me, a friend is someone you can be yourself with, no pretense, no lies, just your true self. If you have to be someone other than who you really are, then are you really friends? I say no, because the relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty. They may like the person they think you are, but if they never know the real you, it's all just bullshit, and then what's the point?
I also agree that friendships take work. Don't get me wrong - it's not always hard work. With some people, you just click from day one. With others, the relationship grows over time, but can be just as special or more.
To me, you make a friendship work through give and take, emotionally and otherwise. Not in a keeping score kind of way, but more about the genuine love and caring that you share. Gina, I'm with you - I'm not great about reaching out often. Funny, if I actually did that every time I think about my friends, I'd probably be a better friend myself! But, I love them dearly, and would do anything for them, anytime, anywhere.
I know I've said this to you before, Liz, but one of the things I value most about our friendship is that I feel we can say it like it needs to be said to each other. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Another great post, my friend.
Friend. It's a hard thing to be in a tiny town. When you have a party, you have lots of people over who indeed are friends, but are mostly acquaintances because it is never the intention to leave out someone who may indeed be the friend you've always been looking for.
But when I just want company for no other reason than not to be alone, not to talk, but just Be, That is a friend.
I can count those individuals on my fingers.
In my day to day world, there is no "blood family", and so I am left to make my own.
I am glad to have you part of my family away from home, not just a friend.
joanne
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