As you, my loyal readers, are aware - I am quite fat right now. Easily, the fattest I have ever been.
And while admitting this and discussing this on my Blog may seem "brave" or make me seem quite confident or comfortable, I assure you - I am just as insecure and ugly as the rest of you when you feel like a big, fat, ugly pig. I am there.
And as if I didn't know it, I confirmed it today at the Mobil Mart.
Ya see, I was in TJ Maxx and was feeling very light-headed and dizzy. I realized, as I swooned a bit in the frying pan aisle, that I hadn't eaten anything except a tiny little "Healthy Choice" that had consisted of 3 bites of turkey and about 6 ounces of green beans. In addition to that, I had had about 8 cups of coffee. So, the caffeine was finally wearing off and kicking me into starvation mode. I assume my blood sugar was pretty low, hence the dizzy feeling and I knew I had to get something to eat.
Don't feel bad for me. We've all been there. So juiced up on caffeine you forget to eat - come on, you know you do it on purpose form time to time.
So, there I am in Glastonbury, surrounded by every fast food pit you can think of and where do I go?
Mobil Mart.
And what do I eat?
Snowballs.
And what else?
Suzie Q's.
Yeah, you read that right. I raced my fat ass to the nearest crap-store and loaded up on crap.
I was ashamed of myself.
But I did it anyway.
Then, on the drive home, all I could think of was Martha Dumptruck from Heathers. That was me.
So - I think that was rock bottom, folks.
I had my Big Binge and now I need to regain Control. I need to turn Weight Watchers into my newest Obsession. I need to turn it into something that I can own, control and obsess over.
I know me, though - so I need to start in a very dramatic fashion, I can't just go "oh, no, I musn't eat that candy! I prefer Carrots and fat-free broth!"
I need to starve myself. Detox, if you will. I need to go zero-to-sixty in 3 seconds. No fucking around. Straight up Starvation.
I will drink coffee, eat carrots (because I do actually like them very much), Saltines and drink water. That's it.
Until I feel "punished".
Then I can get healthy. Only after a quick and unhealthy kick-off will I accept a healthy 2-3 pounds per week.
So - tomorrow is Day One. I cannot wait to feel the hunger.
4 comments:
You can do it, Liz! After my Dr.'s appt. on Friday I hope to have my knees cleared to run in the Manchester Road Race. Let me know if you want to train for it with me. I guess you won't be serving us Snoballs when we come over next Thursday, eh?
ha.
I have never had Snowballs in the house!!! They are like heroin. I only eat them away from home, where no one can see me.
I haven't ran since I was about 15. I used to jog the track with my sister and my need to feel like I could keep up with her was the only thing that kept me going.
When were done, I would smoke cigarettes.
I've only had snowballs once--well, let's say 6 times in a row when I played the lead in 'Night Mother. It is actually written into the script that she eats two of them at the start of each show, LOL. That made me lose my interest in them.
I know exactly how you're feeling, and it's a shitty place to be. The up side is that it only gets better from rock bottom, right? And turning WW into an obsession is an awful lot of fun!! Maybe that's why I keep getting fat - so I can have that fun all over again!
I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch yesterday - meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Not sure there were actually any meat or potatoes in there - tasted pretty much like chemicals to me. I hear you on the unhealthy kickoff, but just make sure you take care of yourself.
mwah!
BTW, they were the pink Snoballs for Valentine's Day, right? =) I'm a Snoballs girl; Gini always opted for Suzie Qs. God help us if we feel like bingeing at the same time!
Post a Comment