The Raft

Sometimes, some people just have a way about them that gets under your skin.

They say you can't be annoyed or can't dislike or can't be utterly and exhausting-ly disgusted unless you actually, deep down somewhere, care about the person.  If you didn't care, you wouldn't...  care.  Right?

I guess that makes sense.  Often, I find myself wishing so hard that I did not, in fact, care.  I wish so badly that I was able to ignore, rise above and carry on - as I have become so good at advising others to do.

You know the saying "you get more flies with honey"?  Well, I don't know about that.  Because these negative forces in my life, they certainly occupy a lot of space in my head sometimes. 

Is it arrogance on my part?  My absolute disbelief that I could be so disliked? 
Is it insecurity?  My unending desire to be liked by everyone? 
Is it my need for acceptance and approval?

Is any of that so different from everyone else?

I used to think so.  I used to think I was creepy and insecure and I kept those sorts of thoughts to myself.  As I get older, though, I realize that everyone is creepy and insecure to a degree.  We all want to be accepted and loved.

So, when I find myself at the receiving end of the sort of negativity, passive-aggression or utter rudeness, I feel hurt.  Then I feel angry.  Then I go numb.
Then, I mistake the numbness for the previously discussed "not caring" and feel like I'm finally over something.
Then, WHAM.  The cycle begins again.
I feel like Suart Smalley sometimes.

But, it will pass.  I will remind myself of the blessings in my life.  I will busy myself with the joys of my day-to-day.  And I will find myself surrounded by loving, supportive, fun, exciting, caring, understanding, enjoyable people - the friends and family that I choose to surround myself with because I love them and I know that they love me.  They accept me.  They care about me.  And in order to do that, you have to start with yourself.  So, I remind myself again...