Just wanted to share some pics from our Christmas at 131:


Look at that concentration! These truffles don't sprinkle themselves!!


And what's a trip to NYC without a Times Square Elmo pic?


My poor baby boy could not have LESS pleased to see Santa this year. So mean. So funny.


Before.


After.


Wyatt was all about his sour-apple tootsie pop. All morning. We now know how many licks it takes, folks.


"Holy Shit!"

I have mentioned Facebook before.
Facebook feels good.
Facebook allows you to get in touch with and stay in touch with people whom you would otherwise fall out of touch with completely. You might not want to fall out of touch. You might like these people very much. But you don't see each other anymore. You used to go to school together/live near each other/work together... whatever the case may be. But now you don't.

I have lots of those people in my life.

I am a very passionate person. (Go figure, right?)
I feel what I feel very deeply - when I'm feeling it.
But sometimes, just sometimes... I'm wrong. Or, I'm just so caught up in the feeling I forget why I am actually feeling it.

We all do that.
I try to correct myself when I see it happening.
My dad does that - he gets so worked up about stuff he works himself into a corner of yelling and freaking out and when it comes down to it, the original issue is never as big a deal as it blew into.
I don't always see it, though. And sometimes I just get into the habit of feeling a certain way.

Where am I going with this?

Facebook.
Emotional furies...

Oh, right.

People I used to work with.

It's a lot like people I went to high school with. It was a lifetime ago. We were 16, 12, 8... whatever. Now we're "grownups".

I see people from "MM" (protecting the innocent, ha ha) and I think "wow, how nice to see them". Did I think that when I worked with them? Maybe not. Maybe.
But, whatever.
That was so long ago.

I had a boss I hated. I won't say his name, he knows who he is cuz he hated me, too.
But you know what? We got a long really well before he was my boss. And I hear how he's doing now and then from our mutual friends and I think "good for him". Because he always worked really, really hard.

I had friends that I absolutely loved. LOVED. In Sales, we had a great team of women - there were like, 3 of us - it was all men - but I loved those women. We weren't catty or back-stabby. We supported each other. It was great. So, C, D, L & S... Happy New Year. I know "L" reads this, so pass the word if you see any of us... :)

Oh, and the Call Center... man, that was like high school all over again. The friends, the parties, the drama, the FUN... that was a FUN time. Fun, fun, fun. What would I do with the opportunity to do that again? Granted - you make NO MONEY. But you don't NEED any money! We had no responsibility, no mortgage, no bills, no worries!!

Ok - new topic.
Christmas Songs I hate and am removing from my ITunes library forever:
Santa Baby
Baby It's Cold Outside
Anything by Bing Crosby. I can't explain it. Something in his voice annoys me to no end.

I am doing it all differently next year.
Do we say that every year? Probably. But I really mean it.

First of all - more Jesus, less Santa.
I do a good job of keeping Abby aware of God, Jesus, being thankful. I really do. But she's not even 3 yet. There's only so much I can do.
One thing I can do, that I don't do enough of, is bring her to church. Every Sunday, sure, but at least Christmas and Easter, right? We go to Playgroup at our church and we read stories about God, including her Children's Bible and a Bible Story book she got from church. But I will do more for her in the coming year. She's old enough to sit through church, even if she needs a snack and a coloring book, we're going more often.

More giving, less getting.
We went completely overboard on Christmas morning. Jay bought me everything I ever wanted. I bought him more than I should have and still less than he bought. And the kids opened presents for an hour - nonstop. It's too much.
Next year we will limit Santa's gifts. Each kid got 9. NINE.
4 or 5 would have been enough. And maybe 2 or 3 could be from us or each other - a little less Santa would be ok.
The family also overdoes it on the kids, but they love it - we love - the kids love it... and that is nice. I don't want to quit shopping for my nieces and nephews any more than they want to quit shopping for my kids.
Both Grammas did a good job of "not going overboard" because they both shop for the kids all year long, why go overboard on Christmas when everyone else is, too? Makes sense.

More celebrating, less stressing.
It's the kind of stress you don't feel until it's gone. I noticed today that I was ridiculously tired. So tired that I could hardly move my body.
It didn't hurt my holiday at all. I loved Christmas as much as I always do. But maybe I could have had more fun, been less worried, if I had focused on the "why" more than the "how".
And maybe, just maybe, the "family drama" on either side affected me more than I wanted it to.

Next year, no drama.
I will focus my heart on myself, my husband and my children - celebrating the birth of our saviour and this wonderful time of year where the whole world is in love with itself and eachother.

Less presents. More presence.
We are spending less and shopping less; giving more and doing more. We can sponsor a family here in town, everything from dinner to gifts. We can afford that, and we might even afford a bit more if we cut back on the nonsense. We can buy Toys for Tots. We can do more than we do. And if each of us tried that, each year, to just be nicer, kinder and more grateful. We'd all feel better.

I have nights when I become obsessed with Facebook.
It amazes me how the connections happen. I look at my list of "friends" and there is everyone from some of my friends here in town, to Shore Drive, to MassMutual to Brewster High to my sister's in-laws... it's crazy.
Crazier still is when one meets the other - it's like worlds colliding.
A friend of mine from Jay's ING days grew up with a friend of mine from town. Of course they are, she grew up here and lives in Longmeadow now. Which also happens to be the hometown of one Baby Matthew. See the craziness?!?! Everyone is connected somehow. It's a small world, after all.

Allow me a minute to freak out about something. And pardon me (and my expletives) as I lash out on one of my greatest pet peeves.
Snowy Cars.
Sorry, Belle. Here goes-
Why don't people see how extremely dangerous this is? Why do they care so little about the other cars on the road, the other people in those cars, the kids, the grandparents?! It's worse than driving drunk, really. At least if you're drunk you can say "oops. I was drunk."
When you consciously get into your snowy car, you are consciously saying "Fuck it. I don't care if the snow, ice and slush flies off my car, backwards into the windshield of that family car, off to gramma's house, sending them into a tailspin eventually resulting in their death from a 12 car pileup while I drive along, happily, blissfully unaware of what my ignorance and laziness has created. Mayhem and madness, if not death.
And even if I am not that seriously aggravated by it (although I am) - I am more than a little annoyed. And if you know me, you know that my annoyance levels are high. I get really fucking annoyed by annoying shit. My hands fly about uncontrollably and my voice gets very screechy.
I can handle some amazing character flaws. I can accept just about any way any one wants to live their life.
But not if it annoys me.
And the worst is not the SUV or the Porno-Van. It's the lazy fuckers with the little cars. "Ooooh, it's too cold to push the snow off my Cabriolet. I'll just drive really fast on the snow and ice-packed highways until it's all gone."
Assholes.
Ok.
Done.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
My husband's family will be converging on the quiet peace that exists at 131. We will drink and eat too much. We will laugh and make fun of each other and say things very un-Christian-like. But you will be able to see the warmth and love and Christmas Spirit all the way up to the road. (ha ha, driveway joke)
I would be lying if I didn't admit a smidge of apprehension or nervousness... I always do before a large party and this one is slightly clouded by some family drama that surrounded Thanksgiving Weekend.
But I know that once everyone is in, the fire is glowing, the tree is surrounded by everyone's lack of ability to "go lightly this year", our mouths are full and our heads are light with love and the "spirits" of Christmas - all will be forgotten, all will be appreciated and all will be heartwarmingly wonderful.
This is a wonderful family I married into. And I will take the outloud disagreements, aggravations or grievances over the quiet, grudge-holding kinds any day of the week - and twice on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas to All.
And if you don't celebrate Christmas - tough shit. Merry, anyway.

"Can I open them?"
"Yes, but you have ot wait your turn. Why don't you give one of your gifts to your cousins?"
"Leen!! LEEN!!! THIS IS FOR YOU!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

"This one of for Abby, from Grammie and Grambear."
*Eyes light up, takes present, hugging it* "Oh, Thank You, Grammie!" Then, she proceeds to open it.

Don't get me wrong, there were a few "can I have more presents, mommy?" but I would have to say that overall, I was quite proud of my very polite and sweet little girl!

Every little thing she opened was like the greatest thing she had ever seen.
Examples - she opened a package from Tono that was Belle pajamas. Wide, overjoyed eyes paired with a huge, toothy grin found my face, threw them towards me and yelled, "look, mommy! BELLE!!!"
A simply wrapped gift, a hardcover book from Uncle Bobby, received the same exact response, "Mama! A Snowman Book! We don't have a snowman book!"
After her baby brother opened up some shirts that we all thought were adorable but understandably agree that kids would/should find boring, Abby opened up a few articles of clothing and screeched "Look! I got clothes, too!!!" Like she had never had any before in her life!

About 457 gifts fly threw the air pretty quickly when 454 of them are for kids under the age of 8. We all had our favorites, of course, but I have to say that there were no stinkers. Not one. At least not that I see under our tree. Maybe someone else got a stinker but judging by the air at 256 yesterday, I would have to guess not.
There was a lot of love in that house.

My mood was dampened a bit by my own arrogance. After reviewing the menu with my mother, I took it upon myself to decide that she was ill-prepared and I went ahead and ordered a tray of Chicken Parm to be served along side her Ziti, Sausage and Peppers, Marsala and Tossed salad. I hurt my mom's feelings, pissed my brother-in-law off and I am not sure that my husband is completely thrilled with $60 worth of Chicken Parm taking up space in our freezer right now.
Eh.
It's good to be humbled every now and then.

The whole family couldn't be there. As we get older, our relationships and commitments spread and we can't all be at every function.
As much as I wish we could be.
As much as I have a hard time swallowing why some of us couldn't be.
It is simply not up to me. Priorities are personal.

Back to the good stuff... Right now we are watching Annie (from Auntie Frannie & Tio) while Wyatt chews on a card from Abby's new Memory Game and Abby plays with her new "Dad and Toddler" people for her "Happy Family" Dollhouse.
The living room looks like a bomb went off but I have 2, no make that 4, very happy kids in my house.

We bought our first house in November of 2002. We closed on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. It was in Southington, about 2 miles away from the apartment we lived in. We loved the town so we thought we would buy there and live there forever.
The day we closed it snowed. A lot. And the lawyer representing the seller actually tried to postpone the closing. Can you imagine?
Anyway - it was a cold, snowy day and we were moving into our first home!
We loaded up the Chevy truck and the Honda Civic and moved as much of our stuff as we could. Until of course, I found Squirrel and disappeared to the vet for several hours while Jay and Rachel did the heavy lifting.
Or maybe Rach was with me at the vet.
Doesn't matter.
And the Squirrel story can wait, too... I am losing track of my point here...
My point is this - as a housewarming gift, a woman I worked with gave me a Tart Burner and a few Yankee Candle tarts.
Since then we have collected several Tarts & Tart Burners.
Today, I have made the declaration that I am officially DONE with Tarts.
I am sick of the scent wearing out and finally being gone, but wanting to be sure so I light it one more time!
I am sick of having to WAIT for my scent to kick in because the tart has to melt before it gives off scent.
I am sick of running out of tealights and having to make a special trip to Walmart or AC Moore because they are too ridiculously expensive everywhere else.
We're back to candles.
Candles are pretty. Candles have cute accessories. You can have lots of them and put their tops on, put them away and pull them out another day.
DONE with TARTS.

Tomorrow we are heading to NY for Christmas. It is our celebration with my family. I am beside myself with excitement. It is Christmas, it's all I get with my family so I look forward to it very much.
This year my brother, his fiancee and our niece will not be joining us. And my other sister (her hubby and 2 kids) won't be there, obviously. But otherwise, we'll all be there and I cannot wait!
Abby is so excited to see her "Cousin friends" and give them the Christmas presents we bought them. She also can't wait to play in the snow at Grammie's house. And while Wyatt doesn't know what's about to happen, I cannot wait to see how he is with all the gifts and excitement! He was only 2 months old last year so this is sort of his "first" and I think he's really gonna dig it.

We are hosting Christmas Eve and I just have to get through tomorrow to really focus on what's left to do for that. Not much. Let's face it, my organization skills are unparalled and I am more than prepared for this holiday season. *smirking arrogantly*
In all honesty I really am ready. I have to grocery shop (Stop & Shop and BJ's) and I will have to give the house a once-over for dust and decor but otherwise, I just have to cook and open the door! We're decorated and wrapped. What else is there?
I love the holidays!

Today I saw something that I was so excited about previously and now feel my heart clenching around fear of... (did that make any sense at all?)
What I saw was a glmipse into the future. A glimpse at what my baby girl will be doing in September, 2009.
Going to school.
Yes, preschool.
Yes, 2 hours a day, twice a week.
But still - everything will change.

Let me back up...
Every first and third Thursday Abby, Wyatt and I go to "Kids of the Kingdom". It is a playgroup that Becky (the Pastor's wife) and I dreamed up and that she does 99% of the work to put together. Abby loves it and it is the only thing we are committed to, ie- we would be missed if (and when) we skip it.
We read stories, sing songs, do a craft and have a snack. It is structured but very fun and Abby absolutely loves it. As soon as we get there she kicks off her shoes and runs right to Becky and asks her what craft we will be doing that day. She really loves the crafty part.
Because my girl is so smart and so social, I know that this is exactly what she will be like when she starts school. And she is so excited to go to school, too, so that makes me excited for her.

Today, at Kids of the Kingdom, the Church's Preschool class joined us. (There is a school and daycare attached to the church.)
The class was all 3 year olds, some close to or just turned 4, but for the most part these kids were Abby's age. Because Abby is a January birthday, she'll be 3 & 1/2 when she starts and she'll go for 2 years.
I don't know if she will go to our church's school. I always assumed she would but as it looms closer the fact that it costs considerably more is more of a factor.
Anyway...

So, the kids all sat together at a big, long table to do a craft - they made beautiful wreaths with paper plates, glue and green Easter grass. Abby was really into it, and I was holding Wyatt so I didn't pay a ton of attention to what I was seeing or what Abby was doing.
But then, after craft, it was snack time.
Abby is so independent... she didn't ask me, wait for me, see what I would do... she just went and sat down at the table and waited for her snack.
She walked over, she climbed up into a chair, she received juice, said thank you, received alphabet cookies, said thank you and proceeded to eat, drink and jump into the 3-year old conversation about who had what letter and how many cookies they each had.
She actually picked up her cookies and said "look, I have 2 T's."
She not only knew, at barely 3 years old, that they were the letter T, she knew she had TWO of them.
Did I not say she was brilliant?!

Anyway...
She was so into it, I was so touched, and terrified, but mostly touched... She is such a big girl now. She uses the potty. She makes up imaginary friends. She says to her baby brother, "Want me to help you with that, Boogs?" She tells me what she wants to wear. She knows the words to a lot, and I mean a LOT, of songs. She sleeps in her big bed. She pouts and gives me attitude when things are not going her way. She says "why" like most people say "uh-huh" or "ok" - constantly. She knows all of her cousins and aunts and uncles and friends' names...
She is getting so big! I remember wearing her in the sling, humming to her while she slept on me, folding laundry and thinking how heavy she was... I had no idea!! And she's still not done growing.

When she starts school, she will really blossom. She will want to do more and more by herself. Her personality - good and bad - will become even stronger. She will have her own ideas, agendas, opinions - more and more and more... it's the beginning of it all. She'll learn peer pressure. She'll repeat jokes and phrases that her friends use. She'll be exposed to things I am trying to protect her from now... she'll be exposed to mean kids, dirty kids, commerical and superficial bullshit.
She'll have to learn that there are not-nice people in the world. She'll learn that some kids have more stuff than her and some don't have as much. She'll hear different languages and see different cultures.
It is all so exciting and fascinating. Her little brain will sop it all up like a dry sponge does water. And then, 2 years later, she'll be packing her little bag up and waiting for the bus...
Good WORD! Don't even get me thinking about that yet!

Sheesh... this was a rambler. Sorry. Here's some pics:

I believe some of my best conversations in life come from the back seat, the car seat in the back seat, to be specific.
Picture this:
A: "Where is Africa?"
M: "Southeast of here. Why?"
A: "Can we go there?"
M:"Well, no - we would have to fly in a plane and we don't have that in our plans anytime soon. I suppose we could take a boat there some time. Why?"
A: "I miss Cacky."
M: "Me, too."
A: "Is Cacky happy with his mom and dad in Africa?"
M: "Yes. I think so."
Ya see, over the past several months Abby acquired a fear of lions in our woods, heard me explain that there are no lions in Hebron, just in Africa and then we lost Cacky so she assumed he went to Africa, to be with the other lions. But considering it was months ago since we last talked about any of this, the conversation was surprising and entertaining.

Here's another example:
As we are loading into the car to head off on one of our many adventures, Abby is sitting in the backseat, next to her car seat but not in it. I lean in to help her and this is what happened:
M: Abs, get in your seat, we have to go.
A: I can't. Someone's sitting there.
I begin to lift her and mumble something about having to get into her seat, not really hearing her until, screaming
A: No, Mama! I can't!! Someone's sitting there.
I put her down in her carseat.
A: I'M SIIIIIIIIIITTTTTING ON HEEEEERRRRRRR!

LMAO.
Meet "Julie". She pretty much lives here now. And she has quite a bit to say about things.

Audrey, in case you read this - 2 things:
a) I still think of you every time I wash Abby's hair.
b) and now, I also think of you every time I put Wyatt's sleeper on.
Yes, I always put his arms in first. And yes, I still use too much shampoo.

I feed the birds.
(I feed everyone, actually.)
Anyway - one of my favorite things about winter is that in the stark, cold, color-less outdoors, some of the brightest, cheeriest, most beautiful birds come out. Our backyard, from the deck, is just tall, leaf-less tree after tree after tree.

The view of our back woods from the deck.

I put 2 Suet Cake holders on plants hangers and BAM! Instant color and excitement. I love them.
Woodpeckers, the fluffy ones and the red-gheaded ones, Cardinals, Bluejays, Titmouses, others that I can't recall or name. They're awesome.

The Cake Holders.

So, today, I went out to refill the suet cakes (I spend about $10 a month on this shit - doesn't sound like much but, come on, it's bird food!) and I heard a bird tweet. I looked up and he was right on the gutter behind me.
Then, I heard another tweet.
Then another.
Then more.
At first it was a little frightening, I have seen The Birds about 230 times, so I was wondering what was about to happen.
I filled the baskets and was stepping back into the house when I realized that, with my body still on the deck, a little Tufted Titmouse was already nibbling. Then, I was standing in the doorway but with the door still open and a few more little peckers stopped by.

Note the distance from Feeders to Door.

And, sure enough, as soon as I shut the door, the Big Boy landed. This is a giant, red-headed Woodpecker that lives in the dead tree behind the curvy tree in our back yard. He's huge. He's so cool.

I watched for a few minutes, because that is why I have the feeders there... to watch the birds.

Then I came in and told Jay that the birds love me, were talking about me, and trust me enough to stop by for a snack with me in their presence.

The view from my couch.

Just another reason to love Winter.

Oh, and one more reason -

If you don't have at least 3 Hallmark Snowmen singing at you at the same time, constantly, all day, you just don't know "fun".

I started this too late to go into too much "chatter" so here's some pics.
(We're going "Santa Shopping in the morning, so hopefully I will be DONE and get my WRAP on!)

I just read on the back of the DD coffee bag that you are not supposed to freeze or refrigerate your coffee grounds.
I have been refrigerating my coffee grounds for my entire adult life, and my mother keeps hers in the freezer.
And you will be hard up to find a more coffee-driven family in your lifetime.
Crazy, huh?
But I will not argue with Dunkin, they know their coffee.
Now I just have to figure out how to keep myself from going to get the coffee from the fridge. Perhaps I will store it with the filters and mugs. What an interesting thought.

I am the worst Dog-Mommy ever.
I left Pete out today.
All day.
I left, with the kids at 10:30 and got home around 9:30 and Pete was there, in the driveway with a big dog-happy grin on his face.
Is this because he, in his pea-brain, thinks I was only gone a few minutes?
Or, is he smarter than those non-dog-loving-book-writers say and he was just friggin happy to be able to go in, eat and sleep in the warm bed that is inteneded for my husband and I?
I'll leave that up for debate. I believe my dogs think, feel and love. Try to prove otherwise. Dare ya.


That reminds me.
I once had a debate with my Pastor about whether or not dogs (any pets or animals, really) go to heaven.
He said "no, they don't have souls or conscious thought to accept Jesus." So I said, "so, where do they go?" and he said "no where, they have no soul that carries on, they just decompose."
I was horrified.
We agreed to disagree, he didn't think it was anything that going to put me out in the eyes of the Lord, ya know?

I want to post about our Christmas Tree - and our trees past... but I don't have the energy tonight. There is a tiny, warm body waiting in my bed for "snuggles to sleep" and that is too good to pass up.

I tell my husband everything. Everything. Stuff he wishes he didn't know, I tell him.
Second to that, I tell my sisters everything. The only things I don't tell them is stuff between me and my husband. And, much to my husband's dismay, I sometimes mess that up, too.

So, it confuses me when people are surprised that something they told my sister, I am aware of, or vice versa. We talk almost every day. Sometimes I don't talk to Christine but Deborah just did and she'll tell me what they talked about. And I do the same, in the same situation. Between the 3 of us, we talk every day, just about.

And we talk to my mom a lot. Not as much as we used to, because she's gotten crazier over the years and we've gotten more from each other than we do from her, emotionally, mentally, happily. That's how it should be, right?
But that's not my point. My point is that the 3 sisters and our mom talk all the time.

My brother doesn't phone in much. Because he's a boy? Maybe.
Whatever the reason, when one of us does speak to him, we fill him in.

As I am describing it I am picturing one of those old phone operators and the phone lines lighting up as one calls the other, hangs up and calls the other and the other 2 are already talking and on and on and on... and the operator winds up all tangled in her cords and the phone lines are on fire.

Are we the only family that talks that much? I know my cousins don't talk that much to their parents and I know my uncle has always half admired, half dismissed it. Like, his kids didn't call that much so he thought we were clingy, but he secretly wished he was that close to his kids. And that's just one example, I am sure other people think it's weird, too.

So - back to point #1. I tell my husband everything... and I love that and it's mutual. But, what about people who are divorced? Who do they talk to? And what about the exes who they already told everything to? Were they never 100% invested in the marriage so they never revealed themselves 100% so they aren't concerned about where their secrets will wind up? Or were they completely invested and now they lie awake at night, wondering what happened to the love of their life, the keeper of their secrets? And wonder who the ex-keeper is sharing said secrets with now? Does that school-yard insecurity ever fully go away? Are people out there, putting 10, 20 even 40 years of secret-filled marriages behind them and worrying about where their secrets will go?

I have learned a lot about family dynamics in this past week. I won't air my dirty laundry here but I will share this much -
Family is the most important thing in the world. Because they are the only ones that will always, truly and completely love you.

Some family members don't show that well. They, I can assure you, are more hurt by it than you are. They do love you, they want you to know it, they want you to be happy and live your life to it's fullest potential. But they can't show you that. And that is like a cancer in their hearts. It hurts and they will likely take it to their graves. An early one, maybe because all that pain doesn't make for a long, fulfilling life.

Other family members show it, fully and completely. And you might take those members for granted. You can get so mired in the day to day of life that you forget to call them, you figure they're fine and don't miss it. Or you miss a birthday or a Thank You note, and over time you erode that relationship to where it's still full of love but there' not much more to it. You lose touch with each other as people.

In order for a family to function there needs to be a balance of these 2 types.

You need to be able to feel love and hurt. You need to be able show love and anger. And both need to accepted, returned and forgiven. It's like the cogs and pulleys and levers of life. If one gets stuck, it can really gum up the works.