I had the kids home for Veteran's Day and they were ON each other non-stop. Then I was all aggravated about stuff happening 3000 miles away, having absolutely nothing to do with me. Then I took Wyatt for a haircut and had to wait like, 35 minutes and then found out it was because I hadn't "checked in" even though I smiled and waved and someone saw me and I had checked in online and figured I was all set. Then, I had to wait another 20 for a coffee at Starbucks. Then I was annoyed by being annoyed because I realized that Veterans were getting free haircuts and free coffees so if I didn't want to wait for America's Heroes why the fuck did I go run these errands on Veteran's Day.
Ugh.
So, yeah, "first world problems" all day and it was only my own fault but once I get into a mood like that, good luck getting me out. And it happens when Jay is traveling. Without the ying to my yang, I can be a pretty big asshole.
Then, last night I had this great dream.
I was running late at LAX. I had to get to my gate but I had to swim and run up hill and go through so many people and crowded hallways and elevators and offices. There was everything in my way and my flight left at 7 and I had to hurry up. But I couldn't move fast enough, everything blocking me and I couldn't always see and I wasn't even sure if I was going in the right direction with each turn.
Then I ran into a man. And I looked up and it was my dad. And he smiled at me and I hugged him. It was real time so he was definitely not alive but he wasn't a vision because I hugged him and smelled him and it felt so great. Then he held my hand and we walked, briskly, through all the obstacles to get me to my gate. And the feeling of holding his hand was the best feeling ever. And I probably hadn't held my dad's hand in thirty years when he died but it was one of the things that I knew I was going to miss and don't ever want to forget the feeling of.
When I reached my gate I had time to spare because I was calmly guided through life's obstacles and also, I had the time wrong. (A little twist of humor in an otherwise very meaningful dream.)
When my dad died I said to Deborah I felt like the floor was pulled out from my otherwise very secure world. My life as an adult was all set but there is always a piece of you, that kid piece, that knew my dad would always help me if I needed help beyond my adult life (husband/job/kids/life). I had back up. When he died, I felt very alone. And then, as time passed, I felt empowered. Like, I didn't have that back up anymore so I had to cowboy up and be my own back up. And I felt more of his strength and courage fill me and that was good. It built me up - that loss. And I guess that's closure. Life gives us hard lessons and how we learn them defines us.
I woke up sad and happy. Crying, for sure. Because it was so great to see my dad and get that boost I needed. But I miss him.
Either way, consider my chi in check and my priorities reordered. I needed it.
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