Cheeseburger in Paradise

By now you have probably heard of Dr. Oz.  He's kind of popular.
I'm not a fan, never watched his show, never read his books.  I did read an article one time about how he was suing like, everyone, because he never got a patent or a trademark or whatever else you need to protect yourself when you become as large as he is, and people were using his name all over the place for unhealthy and irresponsible diet products.
That made me both wary and respectful.  Clearly, this guy is a big deal.  I mean, my mom was quoting his declarations for several months before I had heard of him.  I believe he's got a morning show.  He started off in a guest spot for someone bigger and became his own thing.  Sort of like Dr. Phil...  but a different degree.

My love for my Nutribullet runs deep.  It's a trend that Jay and I bought into and have not regretted for a minute.  I make nutritious shakes every moring for Jay and almost every morning for the kids and I.  You can hide all kinds of good greens under the guise of vanilla greek yogurt, bananas and berries (no seeds for the boy, tho!)  Today I just bought a replacement blade and was browsing dreamily at the bigger, better, stronger Bullets...  one day, when my little Bullet goes to the electronics cloud in the sky, I will be upgrading to this bad boy - The 900.

When we first moved to Cali and finished unpacking I spent a dark few days driving around seeking retail therapy and feeling pretty bored and lonely.  There were a few days that I broke down and grabbed drive-thru cheeseburgers.  This doesn't sound like a big deal but it only deepened my sadness and self loathing as I was chowing on big, greasy meat sandwiches all alone in my car.  It felt dirty and shameful.  And it was literally - only twice.  Once at Jack in the Box and once at Carl Jr's.  And both were the equivalent of a McDonalds Cheeseburger and Fries, not even a Big Mac.  But it was not good for my psyche.
I am not a drive-thru eater.  I have often envied the moms who grabbed McDonalds on their way home from dance or practice and fed the whole crew without even getting out of the car.  But we just have never done that and this felt like I was betraying some kind of family crest.

So, anyway, I have my Nutribullet and I was interested in finding a cleansing, detoxifying diet.  I looked online and found his 3-Day Detox, which is, I found out for certain, truly created and endorsed by the real guy.  It had endless endorsements from random people across the webosphere - blogs, FB posts, website comments.  It looked easy enough - ONLY THREE DAY - and not unhealthy or crazy (cayenne pepper and vinegar cleanse was not what I was looking for.)

So, talking to Deborah one morning last week she mentioned she ordered a Nutribullet.  When she said she was looking for a Cleanse of some kind I jumped on the opportunity to have a partner with the Dr. Oz diet I had been eyeballing for a while now.  She was game and now I had no choice but to go all in.
Together, half a world away from each other, we grocery shopped and got ready for 3 days of meal drinks, green tea and epsom soaked baths.
I knew I was not going to soak in a tub.  I also knew I would not eliminate my morning coffee.  But the rest of it looked doable.
I loved buying all the produce and cutting, chopping, measuring and preparing for the 3 days ahead.

3 days.  9 meals.

Wednesday was our first day.  I had the benefit of being 2 meals behind Deborah so she was able to advise on what to and what not to do.  She was also already hungry and feeling the effects when I just got started.

I only had one cup of coffee - compared to my usual 2 before school and 1 more when I get back plus the ice coffees around lunch time - I consider that a cleanse.

Then I made the shakes - 3 for the non-detoxers, 1 meal in a cup for me.

The breakfast shake was really good.  Only major difference between the ones I usually make and this one is the lack of dairy.  I usually use greek yogurt and milk in the morning shakes, this one was all veggies, fruit and water.  But it was really good.  I'm telling you - it's all about that banana.

The lunch shake did not taste good, not at all.  I added ice to the blender but the ingredients made a full blender of green stuff.  The ingredients were all things I loved - but not things that should be turned into a smoothie together.  Celery, cucumber, pineapple, green apple, kale...  all good by me.  Together they were like drinking something you already drank and rejected.

But I got it down.

The dinner shake was pretty good.  I put too much pepper in it, it was too spicy, but I managed.

Blueberries, avocado, mango - super foods!

I was pretty tired at the end of the day.  And I was definitely thinking a lot about food.  But I felt pretty great.  Proud of my accomplishment and feeling skinny - because I was hungry, not because I was actually skinny.

Thursday morning I woke up with a renewed sense of excitement!  Here we go!  Day 2!!  Jumped up and went into the kitchen to make my shake.  I was hungry, much earlier than usual for my routine, but that's not shocking.

Made my shake and drank it and by 9:30 I was ravenous.

Deborah and I were able to talk each other through the day and put day 2 behind... her.  But I still had 8 hours to go when she called it a day.

I made my lunch shake and choked down 2 swallows before it came right back up.  Disgusting.  Honestly, I don't know how people manage this thing - all 4 cups of it.  I subbed in some coconut water and called it a meal.

Dinner came and I made the family some really terrific looking spinach ravioli in a tomato and garlic sauce.  I made myself the dinner shake.  I didn't even sip it.  Enter coconut water.  I just couldn't bear it.  I was so scared and grossed out by how it tasted last night - thick and blueberry-ish but too spicy.  It was too weird.  Bedtime was coming, I could go without.

Thursday night I sat down and did some more reading.  I was losing hope.  I was sooooo hungry and I wanted cheese, salsa, crusty bread, steak...  I wanted a salad with oil and lemon for dressing.  I wanted anything that I could chew and enjoy but still call "cleansing".  A banana.  Some slices of avocado.  Apple.  Berries.

So, I read other people's experiences with this detox and got energized.  Not before I blew up Deborah's iMessage with my self doubt and pleas for mercy but deinfitely before I rages against my produce drawer and sucked down peanut butter from the jar.

The hardest part is that all this time - I was preparing and serving food for the kids.  And who doesn't want what their kids are having?  Jay was great and did what he could, but I wasn't gonna ask him to make dinner and tomorrow's lunch when he got home from work because I was laying around feeling sorry for myself and my self-inflicted starvation.

Friday morning I woke up and texted Deborah.  We would finish strong!  How was she doing?!  I read more stuff and felt determined to get it done!  Last Day!

She replied that she had finished strong.  In fact, she had finished the whole damn thing that morning.  She had had enough.  I was jealous.  She was chewing food again.  And my OCD would not allow me to stop.  I was two-thirds through and I was not going to stop.

I quit smoking cold turkey.

I could quit chewing, too.

I made my breakfast shake and took it on the go with me.  It was reeeeeeallllly good today!  I loved it!!  I was reborn!!  I was going to make it!

When I got home I realized I neglected to add the almond butter to my shake, probably an important part of my daily nutrition, but OMG, what a difference.  For a shake that was already pretty ok, leaving out that stuff made it something I plan to make on a daily basis for all 4 of us.

For lunch, I made a green shake, but not the one I had rejected the day before.  I used kale, spinach, apple, lemon and strawberries and topped it off with almond milk.  It was really good.  I would probably omit the apple or not use a milk for the liquid - it tasted a little off and I'm pretty sure that's why.  But I don't usually use apples in my shakes anyway so it likely won't be a problem.

Dinner time came and the family had to be fed.  Jay took the reigns and, using groceries I had bought so I had no one to blame but myself, he grilled burgers and baked fries.  My house smelled like my delicious, delicious shame.

As they sat down to eat I went in to make my shake, my final, victory-rich shake.

I caught a glimpse of the plates filled with the food equivalent of hitting the game winning run and I stayed strong.

I did not, however, make the shake.  I hate the shake.  I had coconut water instead.  

I don't know when or why I decided that coconut water was a good meal replacement but I did.  And it got me through these few days.

So, here I sit.  Friday night.  Final evening of my Dr. Oz 3-Day Detox.  I am thinking I will go to bed very early.  I am really looking forward to a sprouted wheat bagel and more than one cup of coffee tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow afternoon we will be at the Pier and I will be looking forward to steamed Dungeness crab and some oysters on the half-shell.  Maybe a beer.  Although, I am a little frightened of how a beer might hit me.

Here are a few things I would do differently next time, because I would definitely do this again.  I am already thinking that after summer vacation, when the kids are back in school, that's a good detox time.  Or after Christmas break.  Or between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

-  I will not end on a Friday.  Has to be a midweek event because it's mean that it's Friday and I want my wine and cheese and olives but I'm actually going to go to sleep by 8.

-  I will not follow the ingredient list quite so closely.  I understand how the fruits and veggies work, I understand the purpose.  I just will not put myself through that green lunch shake ever again.

-  I will prepare, portion and freeze more than enough breakfast shake ingredients and use that as my snack shake.

-  I will time things differently - 8:00, 11:00, 3:00 and 5:00.  I went too long between shakes and that, combined with the putrid lunch shake, led me to a point of such hunger I didn't even feel it anymore.  But I was definitely slurring my speech.

Overall, I feel great.  I had great energy after each shake (when I ate/drank them).  I really feel slimmer.  Taller.  Healthier.

I feel like I can start fresh tomorrow.  I don't want an ice cream cone.  Or a steak.

I want steamed or raw shell fish and a salad with a healthy oil dressing...  but maybe a little cheese on top.

I don't want a churro, but I sure could go for a potato.

So, I will take tomorrow as my new start.  And I will delight my family with creative new healthy recipes as my love and appreciation for food has reached an all-time new high.

And perfect timing too because Deborah is coming - and we loooove to eat!